Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
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You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*