Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
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The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
This will never not be funny to me.
A little too much information.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower