The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
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Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.