me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
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me refusing to leave twitter
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.