Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.