Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
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Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Thrilling chase underway
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
saw this in a dream
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL