I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
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Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Perfection.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.