If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
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I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
This did not end as expected.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
that’s really how it is
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…