STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
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dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’