Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
You Might Also Like
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?