I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
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{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]