Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
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Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.