if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
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ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Does this dress make me look cat?
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
This story is comedy gold 😂
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/