I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
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*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.