I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
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I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I think we should hear other voices.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.