yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
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I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned