“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
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judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I think I’m having a stroke
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Got ya covered
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.