me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
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Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
mmm onion ringos
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?