This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
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processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
cats when you pet them too long:
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
idk what this dog had been going through but same
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like