me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
You Might Also Like
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
You deplete me
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’