[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
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I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
time for some seasonal decor
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.