guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
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Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.