I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
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Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.