Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
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I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I need a headline like this
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.