My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
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Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?