How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
same energy
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*