Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
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I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles