middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
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If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Had to try this trend 😊
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it