“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
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“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
twitter users today:
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
January has been Januweary
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’