*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
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My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties