Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
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The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane