[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
You Might Also Like
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.