My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
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I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.