When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
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That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Meowchelangelo
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell