old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
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Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
your honor my client chooses dare
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately