My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
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That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately