I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
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CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I’m too immature for adultery.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*