Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
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*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
an airline just for babies.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.