{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
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ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!