So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
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Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.