“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
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My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.