4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
You Might Also Like
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful