As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
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Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.