Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
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* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
You learn something every day
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter