*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
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[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it