Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
You Might Also Like
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.