As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
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A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.