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Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough