Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
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The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer