A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
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WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
There are usually two types of merchants.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!